Jul 09, 2015
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Sarah
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Do you ever have one of those “random” moments in your day that surreally sum up where you are at in life…Today was just that kind of day for me. It started out as it usually does, with some toddler snuggles in between a few absurdly inexplicable tantrums, followed by arial breakfast foods and an epic stand off between said toddler and his pants (which somehow managed to ruin his entire world before they even were pulled out of the dresser); all with only 15 minutes to get out the door and to school on time. These tiny humans are a strange type of “crazy” but more on that in another post. In a nutshell…it’s my “normal,” it’s chaos and it’s magical. Yet, today was especially difficult in my constant internal “I have NO EVER LOVING IDEA on what the heck am I doing” battle. During our typical carseat “WWE” match, I felt like I was on the verge of defeat when I looked down at my dirty, oil stained, sidewalk chalked driveway and saw this…and it couldn’t have been a more perfectly imperfect reminder of what I am constantly striving for, the example I hope to be, the character I pray I have and for whom it really matters:
copyright: sarahrico + PHOTOGRAPHY

The instant I saw it I was overcome with humility and an overwhelming sense of grace. It was a gentle sucker punch of how much I have to be thankful for, how much power there is in tuning out “crazy” in order to listen to what “simplicity” has to teach and most importantly how innately beautiful “flawed” and “chaos” really are.  And, if I am being really honest, how affectionately annoyed I was at the sense of humor God has…I mean here I am ready to waive the white flag amidst flailing arms, stiff legs and Oscar worthy crocodile tears and I see a microscopic child’s tchotchke teaching me a “life lesson.” GOD=1|Sarah=0.

To say that 2015 has been “interesting” for me, would be an irresponsible understatement.  Recently I have been witness to the exemplary side of the tenacity of the human spirit and genuine character. Character that can’t be taught, it’s just part of someone’s DNA; character that brings the kind of leadership that is always called upon but rarely recognized, cultivated or celebrated in return. Yet this true character still meets those calling on it with grace, humility and genuine fortitude. True leadership and character is a funny thing…we all want to say we are leaders, many of us even want to be praised as leaders, yet 99% of us have no concept of what it means to be a leader. We all want the title but none of the “dirty work” that is required of it.  …”that which does not kill us…” has never been more evident in my world on a 360 degree level and I truly believe what I have been witness to what will be a strength to be reckoned with in just the right time and circumstance…a force that will not be ostentatious, but rather a quiet and honest vindication of success for those who truly deserve to be surrounded by and celebrated with the absolute best in life. I look forward to that day and I do wait with baited breath, faith and hope that good people truly do win in the end, that God truly does gives us the desires of our hearts when they are in the right place…oh and that Karma does exist…for good or bad.

As for my character…God blessed me with a good one and I am confident that the aforementioned Karma and I have a pretty good relationship. I am sure I have a few bone head thumps coming my way from time to time but I can undoubtedly say that I am not deserving of a full scale knuckle sandwich for being an intentional “jjjairrrr-kay.”  I may not give myself a lot of credit for a lot of things but I do know this…I am inherently loyal, honest (sometimes brutally), selfless (to an over committed fault sometimes) and even though I have done a bang up job of allowing people to think I am a Negative Nelly, I actually instinctively and passionately believe the best in the human race. Don’t get me wrong, I am as sarcastic as they come and a master of the kurt comeback; I have zero tolerance for ignorance, selfishness, judgmental piousness, dishonesty, narcissism and just plain stupidity but those, in my opinion, are character flaws in people I do my best not to associate with anyway. People who know me best, know I don’t discuss what I feel as it pertains to me, I have always thought it a sign of weakness and made me an open target for ridicule and public shaming. For some ridiculous reason, I care what others may think of me if I actually admit to having…wait for it…gasp… feelings of the humanistic rather than robotic nature; and here’s the real absurdity of it, when those said feelings get hurt by others, I actually believe I deserve to have them hurt…I must have brought it upon myself for actually having feelings in the first place and I actually care what those who are spewing nasty at me are going to think of me if I let them know they are out of line. In turn, I bottle it up, get quiet, get aloof and it’s taken the wrong way most of the time…then I explode…so that’s not awesome, nor does it help the “intense, hard ass” personification I have created for myself. Truth be told, I have always just found it easier to let people believe what they want, say what they will, hit me below the belt, then make me feel like it’s my fault simply because they are frustrated with me or worse, themselves. Rather than stand up for myself, I inwardly join people who attack me out of fear of conflict (yep you read that right…me afraid of conflict but only when it comes to defending myself). To say I am hard on myself is an understatement and what is a gajillion times worse is when I am hard on myself, I am hard on others…and as I tell my often times arm flailing 2 year old, “it’s not cool bro.” All that being said, 99% of this cycle is my own doing, I take accountability for such a poor choice of habit (it doesn’t mean the 1% doesn’t sting like a “MOTHER” because it’s usually by those that know us best and know exactly how and where to shoot the arrow). Today, with one random glance downward amidst giving myself a hard time for being a terrible, impatient mother who is screwing up her kid; I made another choice…a choice to believe that what is becoming increasingly NOT ok is my own ugly comfortability to throw cheap blows at myself rather than just “BEING.” Truth is, I am super sentimental and kind of sappy and it’s high time I embrace and just BE in that.

It’s true what they say, “The days are long but the months/years are short.” Not just in motherhood but in everything that we are passionate about. MOTHERHOOD: I can’t believe my Little is TWO, he’s growing like a weed, has a bigger and more defined vocabulary than most adults I know and he is a constant source of inspiration, accountability and straight up padded wall, drool out the side of my mouth, talking to myself “crazy.” Even on days like today when I long for nap time and a glass of wine, I am on bended knee every.single.day. pleading that time would just stop. I beg for do-overs of not just days but of moments, I wish I could not only take back but live over and over again all while giddily anticipating what the next day (or even moments) adventures holds. MARRIAGE: I have been married for almost six years and I have known my husband for almost 10. Some days have felt like a painful eternity (believe me he will be the first person to raise his hand with wild fervor in testament to that) but it also seems like yesterday that we stayed up on the phone to until 3 AM despite our 5 AM wakeup calls, spent hours upon end building center pieces and heaven knows what else (no really, I know how to use power tools because of our wedding…do YOU know what a biscuit joiner is?) and sat there in quiet awe and terror as we realized we were going to have a baby that we never thought was possible. BUSINESS: As a photographer and business owner, believe it or not I am SIX years in the making…SIX YEARS! Yet, despite having a full time “day” job for most of it, it seems just like yesterday that a certain incredible friend and lady took me under her wing and had just a touch of faith in me. There have been more days (particularly lately) that I feel like I can’t go another day, I question the risk I took leaving predictability and mind numbing stability behind. It’s a constant struggle of feeling like I should be better, my website should look better, my equipment should be better, my business in general should just be better because look at all the others that have been doing it half as long and they are SO.MUCH.MORE. successful than me vs. the proverbial, EFF.THAT.NOISE., we are talented, we all have our own story, we all have our timing and we all have someone who needs what only we can give. The bottom line in everything that means so very much to us (whatever it is), I am learning that it’s where our heart is that matters…and where are heart is, is right were we are in each moment. I can’t speak for those who have less than desirable characters, nor do I want to as I have learned you can’t clean an ugly heart the best you can do is walk away from the dirt pile they choose to play on. But when our hearts…our wonderfully, beautifully, passionately complex hearts…are in the right place, our character instinctively shows that and we owe it to ourselves to just “B” in that place, in that moment as the best version of ourselves we possibly can. My husband, my son, my family, my friends, my clients, ME…YOU…deserve it.

xoxoxo

P.S. I know it’s been a bit quiet around these parts but BIG.THINGS.ARE.HAPPENING. on so many many levels so thank you for sticking with me. If you haven’t already, feel free to like my FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM pages for more frequent “how goes its” and “how ya doin’s”, too!